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Gordon's D-Zone Arcive (2006-2014)

Monday, June 01, 2009

Look In to Reach Out

It’s unusual for me to write on a Monday. At work, it was a bit hectic and I should be relaxing. The weekend was mainly characterised by reading, checking FaceBook and surfing the net for anything interesting. Right now I’m interested into learning about the origins of creativity and how the mind works in producing creativity. It’s really fascinating how complex our minds really are and how we take our consciousness for granted.

For you to read this post, for example, you need to be able to read or hear language, decode the meaning and coordinate your body to access the information from this page. And that’s not mentioning keeping the body functioning by inhaling and exhaling, etc. I guess I am rediscovering the joy of learning about new things. Or, rather, to learn a bit more about myself and my position in the world and in the universe.

Yes, last week was one full of contrasts. On one hand, I was happy that I had more free time to use for my reading but, on the other, I was saddened by the fact that I realised that I couldn’t continue feeding the feelings of love that had been developing for a person in my life. I won’t go into details about who she was but suffice it to say that it was the right thing to do dealing with my ‘love sickness’ given our particular life circumstances. Actually, a creative poem "Loving ... Her" [from my Zyhil blog] as I dealt with my emotions.

I don’t mean to say that I simply buried my feelings or turned my heart to stone. If the latter was true, I’d probably be undergoing a post-mortem exam right now. It means that even if our relationship is great, both have made different plans for our futures – and that’s life! In the past, I would have blamed my impairments right away. While this might apply in some cases, I don’t think that impairment is the reason for this sad result this time round.

In fact, the more I thought about this in the past, the more I realised that if a person thinks of you differently because you’re disabled, then what sense is it to pursue such a relationship in the first place? And often times I find that it’s far too easy to fall into the trap of believing a relationship is the be all and end all of our success or our happiness. It’s equally dangerous to equate success in love to your self-worth as a person. As a disabled person, I did feel of less value when I was not treated or valued as any other man because of my impairments. I can now assert that it’s foolish and can only lead to unhappiness.

To be in a relationship... It’s a great thing, I admit, but not the only great thing about our existence. I want to be in a relationship one day but I don’t want to force myself into one! I find that there is so much to learn about the world – not to mention about ourselves – that opens up a great number of connections and different kinds of relationships that may be very fulfilling.

That ‘s why I am trying to invest more time and energy in building a relationship with myself. That sounded very bad. What mean to say is that before I can give to another, I first need to know who I m better and what I can offer. Without knowing ourselves, we can only offer so much. And risk discovering a truth about who we are that puts us at odds with who we thought we were. To put it simply, I can’t believe in another unless I believe n myself. The alternative would be co-dependence.