IT'S EYE AGAIN
I don't know what has happened to me over the last week or so. Not that I lost my memory or anything but I had to take a break from this blog and concentrate on my work. And on my life in general.
I've been having eye problems again and this must have made me unsure of myself in many ways. I did wish that I could get back to having no problems and yet, I felt that I was somewhat not being true to my principles. After all, I had been blind for 3 years before I regained my sight, so I shouldn't have any problem if I returned to being blind again would I? The answer is not as simple as I hoped. It was yes and no.
Yes, because I knew that my life then was a good life. True, there were some things I had problems with and others that I just couldn't do. However, I was still able to continue writing and studying. I even started lecturing and doing sessions at schools and other institutions when I had acquired a visual impairment. Indeed, I could still continue doing my current work without too many problems since I still use screen reading software to spare my vision.
But then there were reasons when I felt the answer was 'no'. I had got used to returning to my previous life. To a time when I loved to 'see' things and to writing in my own handwriting notes and other things. It was also nice to be able to see how my nephews were like (prior to 2006 I had never 'seen' them). Of course, I cannot avoid mentioning having the opportunity to meet friends who were only 'faces' based on the sound of their voice.
I think I can better understand how it feels like to move from having no impairment to acquiring one - perhaps more than I did in 2003 when I lost my sight. It's perhaps funny how now that I regained it and risk losing it again I have become more protective of my vision. I cannot deny that there are emotional elements to the experience of acquiring an impairment - even if it's a case of regaining an old one. Even if my eye specialist has assured me that it's not anything serious and to be expected at this stage, I am still a bit concerned.
The fact is that it may get better or worse and surgery may be considered again in the future. I am willing to do my part to help myself. After all, I don't think it's wise to discard any medical advice at this stage. However, I have to say that I must find the strength to accept whatever the future may bring.
Indeed, as I had no problem with myself as a physically disabled person when I was young, I should feel that who I am should not be conditioned by any impairment I might acquire or regain. Not that I won't change the way I live or say that this won't have an effect on my future choices. Any transition will have that impact. On the other hand, I want to take it as it comes and recognise that this experience in itself - whatever the outcome - is an opportunity to learn about myself.
For a start, I was surprised by my own thoughts and feelings on my recent eye problems. But I think that I need to look back once again and consider that life just is. Whether I become blind or not, and whatever impairments I may acquire,
the fact is that I'm still
who I am and the issues I have fought for remain valid as ever.