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Gordon's D-Zone Arcive (2006-2014)

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Wasteland

I expect that the last poe-post entry was a bit depressing to say the least. The fact that I’m 27 isn’t that a big deal really but I know that since I turned 19, birthdays are not occasions I look forward to with a lot of enthusiasm. And yes, if you’re older than 27, you’re probably saying that I’m still young and all that… which is true.

However, I may not be that happy with birthdays because they remind me that time is ticking. It’s perhaps irrational to most but it’s a day in my life when I ask myself whether I have reached my targets or whether I have achieved something this year and the years before that. Because, I know, that at the end of the day we are all going to die. And, even if we may be comforted by our beliefs, we don’t know what is beyond this life.

I often joke about many things with my friends and family. No subject is too sacrosanct to talk about. I have joked about religion, politics and even about impairment… But one topic I hesitate to joke about is life, or the value of life. And it is there where my deepest fears reside. If I do not live and die, what will I be?

I can’t deny that when there were really moments of deep anguish and pain I didn’t wish it ended all. Yes, you got that right. But, then, I remember that if I do something stupid, I won’t have anything. I won’t be even sure the ‘I’ will still exist! And then, what will happen? The world will go on. I will be one day forgotten as many others who have lived before.

I know this might sound sad and rather depressing – even for me. But it’s a fact that part of the sadness I need to describe is rooted in, firstly, the loneliness and awareness of my existence as a human being, and second, in the enforced consciousness of my inevitable mortality. If it weren’t for the fact that I still believe that there’s some purpose I need to fulfil or in my hope of a better future of love, peace and freedom, then life would be just a journey through a wasteland.

* This post is not on the famous and evocative poem by T. S. Eliot The Wasteland.