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Gordon's D-Zone Arcive (2006-2014)

Saturday, April 19, 2008

AN EYE-DENTITY CRISIS


I’ve got to admit that I never expected to be writing this post so early on after my eye operation back in 2006. It is also difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into words. That explains why I have not updated my blog for a while. The fact is that my right eye seems to be developing problems that are impairing my vision. Yes, I’ve been through the process before in both eyes and I know what to expect. I started having problems with my central vision and the signs of a cataract forming are all there.


I have gained a lot of understanding of my eye condition thanks to the internet. And I was aware of this risk. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not scared and rather anxious about the future. Needless to say, I’m trying to do my best to do anything possible to save my only good eye. After all, if further damage can be halted or any remedial action taken, I’m willing to try. I know that this sounds like contradicting what I believe to be disability as defined by the social model.


However, even if I believe that disability is largely socially created, the fact remains that this doesn’t mean that we should not be taking our medicine or any action that has a realistic chance of addressing issues related to the body. In that, I wish to emphasize the word ‘realistic’. For instance, the reason that I protested against doing physiotherapy or surgery on my legs as a child and teenager was because I knew that it would really be a cosmetic intervention. And by that time, I had got used to my legs (most of the time at least).


Of course, I’m aware of the things that will need addressing if I go blind again. I have lived like that for three years of my life already. I cannot deny that I’ll be missing some things such as seeing my nephews grow, seeing the faces of my friends and loved ones change, and taking photos or even doodling with my pen when I’m bored. At the same time, I know that I have to adapt and go on with my life and work. I know that I shouldn’t let this experience change who I am – even if it will have an effect on how I perceive reality. It will also change how I do things.


I do worry about the future when things like these happen. I did so when I first went blind. And the second time is not easier than the first. The only similarity is that the physical signs are the same but the experience is greatly different. And you have the benefit of experience. And then, I ask myself whether this will affect my aspirations and hopes for the future. Will I be able to raise a family in the future? Or continue with my plans to live on my own? As my life situation is changing and I’m unsure of what will happen next, I do not yet have any answers here.


Anyway, I will have a better idea of what will happen on Wednesday as I have set an appointment with my ophthalmologist. I will take it from there. At least, I can still go on blogging I guess. Let’s see what happens, or should that be ‘observe’, err... ‘Witness’ … dah… you got what I mean!

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