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Gordon's D-Zone Arcive (2006-2014)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Photo: Snowflake – our white musical bird and the new addition to the family.

Well, it’s that day again tomorrow. Saint Valentine’s. And I cannot fail forgetting that as every time I switch on the radio, the DJ reminds me through talk or the choice of love music. I do love listening to this kind of romantic or sentimental music sometimes but there’s a limit to everything. And as a
single 26 year old, it is rather irritating to listen to the same themes of love, betrayal or even despair and feeling awkward because you’re single. I’ve lived through these experiences of love and more, so I think I don’t need to be reminded of the pains and joys love entails.

On the other hand, I have been in love before. Starting off with my first crush at age 6 to the recent past, there’s always been some lucky (or unlucky) girl I was in love with. But the more I think about it, now that I look back, is that I’ve often been in love only with love. I was in love with my own image of the one I thought I loved. And I know that I wanted to seek something in others that I felt missing in me. Indeed, the idea that someone else can bring you happiness is misleading at best and deadly at worse. But we are made to believe it through mainstream culture.

Don’t get me wrong. I have cherished the moments I spent with girls and women I loved. It was nice being honored by their presence. To have the opportunity to share the laughter and pain we face on a daily basis. The gift of friendship. The gift of being there for another person. Yes, I do enjoy that very much even today. But should our happiness depend on another person? I think for a time I believed that this was the case. But now I have come to realize that I should seek happiness in myself – irrespective of whether I’m single or not.

So, I find myself wondering whether the many love songs I am listening to are but based on an artificial conception of love. I know that my doubts are based on painful experiences of unrequited love – which I know very well now. My impairment, yes, had a role to play in conspiring against women to value me as a man. But then, I could say that I have had the chance to share with women the experience of being judged by my appearances or have my opinions undermined because I appeared different than the average man. Of course, there
were other times when things followed their natural course and the girl in question wanted me to be just a friend.

Therefore, I only wish that as I grow in my understanding of myself and of life, I will appreciate the gift of love that I have enjoyed and the moments of love and togetherness that I will have with my closest of friends. I do know that there are institutional or cultural factors that might preclude me from being perceived as a man. Yes, I’ve been hurt that way before.

But I also know that some feelings of insecurity and inadequacy as a man stem from a childhood characterized by medical assessments and through a social consensus on my ‘position’ as a disabled man. Indeed, I know how I have seen myself unworthy of love, perhaps enforced by episodes of rejection. It’s not a sad story but the truth. As I grow in my knowledge about myself, I realize how stupid I was in believing all these things. Of course I’m a man, even if my voice on the phone is sometimes mistaken for a woman’s (note to self: I hope to remember to delete this last one).

And I think that this is the greatest lesson I learned about love. That you cannot try to mould it into a shape or form. That you cannot describe it without distorting it. Indeed, before loving anyone else you must love yourself – although it’s been said before. For in truth, love is not this or that. Why? Because love is …